


until i'm not afraid

by dullstarss



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (the Camile Mess didn't happen), Asexual Raphael Santiago, Established Relationship, Gender Dysphoria, I mean I think it's angst?, M/M, Non Canonical, Raphael being wonderful, Trans Simon Lewis, also Izzy is mentioned for like literally two sentences so, cuties in love, established saphael, i am dead for these soft boyfriends, smidgen of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-30 01:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10866102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dullstarss/pseuds/dullstarss
Summary: Some days, Simon is perfectly happy. He has a great boyfriend and his clan has more or less accepted that he is their annoying fledgling.Other days, he looks at his body, at the curves of his hips and thighs and chest, and he feels like curling into himself and hiding.Yesterday was a bad day. So was the day before that, and it looked like today would not be much better.-Happy National Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia, and Transphobia! (May 17th in the U.S.) This is my little thing to promote this.





	until i'm not afraid

**Author's Note:**

> quick little warning: i'm not an expert on gender dysphoria. and this is kind of extreme, so there's a warning for that. i also don't know anything about wearing binders? so if someone spots something incorrect, please please please tell me.  
> i feel like i kind of erased simon's personality, and i feel horrible. i think i fixed it a little but if you have any more tips or ideas let me know!  
> i rated it as teen and up bc of the mentions of pms and blood. it's nothing graphic (i mean, i didn't go into a two paragraph description of the exact hue of the blood?) but i figured... just to be safe.  
> enjoy :)

           Some days, Simon is perfectly happy. He has a great boyfriend and his clan has more or less accepted that he is their annoying fledgling.

           Other days, he looks at his body, at the curves of his hips and thighs and chest, and he feels like curling into himself and hiding.  

          Yesterday was a bad day. So was the day before that, and it looked like today would not be much better.

          This whole thing had started when he had received a little reminder that he wasn't pregnant. He had felt like screaming - "I know that!" - but it had done no good. He had known it was coming, of course, but for whatever reason, while he had been scrubbing his underwear with soap and cold water, he had felt cheated. Every other guy he knew didn't have to deal with this. Why had he been born like this, in a body that did not, at all, match who he was? Had he done something to deserve this? Immediately, he pushed those thoughts away.

          Clary had long ago conditioned him to do so- when he was thinking things like that, he would just stop.

          'Focus on something else,' she would say, if she was there. 'Do you still want to go out for dinner with me and Izzy tonight? I was thinking we could go to that new Chinese place near the Institute... that way if Izzy or I are needed...." 

          Simon had spared a smile for a few seconds before he looked down and realized that he had forgotten to put on another set of underwear, and was now dripping blood on the tiles.

          Now, he's been locked in his room for three consecutive days, curled into a ball and wishing that he could have ice cream. He hadn't been doing much of anything, including eating- the only blood he'd had since beginning his solitude was at the very beginning, and only a single bag. When Clary stops by, bearing blood and Star Wars IV, V, and VI, (because of course she knows; he memorized her schedule, too) he begs her, through the door, to leave. She does, although not before banging on the door insistently. When he cracks it open a minute later, a bag of blood lays there. He snatches it and drains it quickly, ignoring the way his fangs bite at his lower lip.

         (He loves Clary, with everything he is- how could he not? She's his best friend, has been since kindergarten, and she helped him realize that he was valid, with the same steadfastness as when he was ashamed of being what the school kids called a geek. But the truth is, sometimes he can't stand to be around her. She's so utterly comfortable with who she is- which makes him sound petty, but it's true. She didn't have to deal with the feeling that was coursing through Simon, or the thought that  _he hadn't signed up for this_ and  _why him_. And, besides, she's so pushy sometimes, so insistent and sure that he just needs to talk about what's wrong. That had worked when he was younger, and it worked for her, but for Simon, it just made him think more and more about his body and everything that was  _wrong_ -)

          He needs a distraction, and badly. This month is worse than it usually is, for whatever reason. He feels like clawing at his skin and screaming, but doing so would alert the clan, and he can't risk them coming up and smelling the blood everywhere. So far they had left him (if not blissfully then thankfully) alone, but how his heart had raced (not literally, of course) when he heard Clary knocking. Rather than doing something, though, he returns to his bed and tries to curl up on his side the best he can without his binder feeling like it's suffocating him. He probably doesn't actually need it, not today when he doesn't plan on letting anyone in, but it comforts him a little. 

           The moment when someone knocks gently on the door startles him, and he immediately shoots upward to sit, with his blankets pulled to him. "Please don't co-" he starts to plead, but even as 'don't' passes his lips, the door is opening and Raphael pokes his head in.

          On any other day, Simon would probably admire his effortlessly slicked back hair and his neat suit. It's an even black with a blood-red tie, and the resulting contrast between fabric and skin is gorgeous. Today, though, the first thought that runs through his mind was  _he can't_ _see me like this_ (and, admittedly, a second later he distantly admirs how wonderful his boyfriend looks- he's always liked that suit).

          "Raphael-"

          "Simon. Why have you been hiding out in here? Are you alright?" As he speaks he takes another step closer to the bed, and then stops dead in his tracks when he catches the scent of blood. Simon winces and brings his knees to his chest, leaning back against his headboard. Raphael starts forward again, determined, and takes a seat on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?" He stretches out his hand to pull back the blankets and be able to examine Simon, but the response he gets is enough to make him pause again. 

           Simon shakes his head rapidly, mumbling something nearly inaudible. It would be inaudible for anyone else, really, but he forgot he was speaking to a vampire, who had heard him say, "I need you to get out." A second later he repeats himself, big brown eyes focusing on his boyfriend's knees. 

          Confused, Raphael watches him, lips pulled down. "Simon. If you're hurt, let me help you," he says after a moment, quieter and softer than any other tone he uses. When the fledgling does nothing, just slides his eyes up to meet Raphael's, he takes the hint and exits in silence. 

           Simon spends the next two hours bored out of his mind before he falls asleep. He luckily, but just barely, remembers to take off his binder, and he sets it on the floor next to his bed before slipping on a comfy, baggy shirt that hangs off his thin frame. 

           When he wakes several hours later, it's to Raphael's insistent shaking and smooth voice. At first, Simon swats at his hand, lips curling into a smile, but then Raphael says, "Lewis. Wake up." At his last name, his eyes snap open as his boyfriend continues. "What is this?" He spots his binder dangling from Raphael's fingers and his mind just blanks. He stares at it for a few seconds before looking up almost hopelessly, unsure how to tell his 1955-born boyfriend what this is and what it's for- and why he needs it.

          Then he sees the look on Raphael's face, and realizes that he knows exactly what it is. At a loss of words, Simon remains quiet- a rarity, truly, but what exactly do you say? This wasn't a small thing.

          "The blood," Raphael says quietly, gently. "It's your... menstruation?"

          At that, Simon almost,  _almost_ laughs. The older vampire looks so awkward, but like he's trying desperately not to say anything wrong. The nap clearly did some good; he feels better, if not perfect, and he's at least confident enough to answer. 

         "Yes," he whispers. Raphael is putting the pieces together, he can see it, and after a moment he sighs deeply. 

           "I'm sorry I found out like this," he offers, shaking his head. Simon just shrugs, starting to pull his knees up again. "I think... we need to talk. Do you want to talk now?"

          Simon shrugs again, considering, and Raphael lets him. He's confused, yes, but Magnus has taught him not to push with things like this. In fact, Magnus is the whole reason he takes this so calmly. In the meantime, he puts the binder down on the edge of the bed and covers Simon's hand in his. It's a simple gesture, but he knows how the fledgling craves affection, both physical and verbal, and he knows that it will calm them both. 

          It works, and with a deep breath, Simon has his answer. "I want to do this now. But I want to... get dressed first." Raphael nods, and he slips out of the bed and into his bathroom, binder in hand. 

          (Raphael remembers when he asked to have his own bathroom in this huge hotel. The other vampires, with the exception of himself and one other, share a bathroom with at least two more people, but Simon had insistently demanded to have his own. Now, Raphael knows why.)

          Simon exits a few minutes later with his binder on and resettles onto his bed. In the time it took him to wrestle with his binder, Raphael had quickly gone to get some packets of blood, which are now in a cup on the dresser. Now, they're sitting on the bed facing each other, with the younger's legs crossed and the other's folded under himself. Raphael is probably wrinkling his pants, but can't bring himself to care at the moment.

          Simon drinks from the cup slowly before looking up, silently asking how to start. They look at each other for a moment before Raphael says, "Why didn't you tell me?" with as much softness as possible.

          Immediately, the brunet laughs dryly and shakes his head. "Because it's not easy to talk about. I wish... I wish you hadn't found out yet. But I'm glad you did, because I think I'm ready to talk about it now." When he doesn't get an answer, he continues, a little quieter. "It's never something I've felt good talking about. I didn't understand it for a long time, and when I did- when I knew what was going on- I was confused." He pauses. Breathes, to steady himself. "I guess I'm lucky to be Jewish. I mean, you know, they're decent as far as... I mean, I'm not Catholic. I heard the worst things about- I- I mean, sorry, if that's- you, of course, aren't the worst, and-" He's babbling, trying to find words that will save the sentence, but he's stopped quickly. 

          " _Dios mío, tú necesitas calmarte_. Even now you don't stop talking." Raphael offered a smile- it was rare, even around Simon, for him to really smile, but he was trying to show the fledgling that everything is okay and Simon's safe- and that he hasn't taken offense at all. "You're still my fledgling. You are a guy, and I know that. Your assigned gender does not change that."

          As he's speaking, Simon's eyes are steadily growing wider, and he interrupts when Raphael pauses for a second. "How are you so cool about this?" he asks, wonder in his voice and on his face. "I mean, being from the 50s-"

          "Magnus. He taught me a lot. Took me to pride regularly. And, honestly, what kind of person would I be if I kept the same mindset for sixty years? Don't worry, I'm always here for you, _mi cariño_." 

          "So... you don't mind. I mean, if sex- like-" He pauses and watches as Raphael's face changes. "I mean, you're only into guys, right?" The fledgling stares at his clan leader, who seems a bit taken aback- apparently by something he had just said. "Rafe, what's wrong?"

          After a hesitant pause, Raphael clears his throat. "Simon, I'm not really interested in having sex," he says slowly, watching carefully for a reaction. When he gets it, he can feel himself relaxing- Simon's beautiful smile often has that effect on him. 

          "Oh, alright. So I guess that's not an issue," Simon states simply.

          "No, it's not," Raphael agrees, visibly calmer. 

          "What are your- your limits, I guess? I mean, I know it's different for everyone. And I feel like I should maybe know so I don't do anything wrong-" There's worry in his eyes, and it makes Raphael feel like he's being taken seriously. 

          "Simon. It's alright. You don't have to worry about that. I'll tell you or pull away if I'm not comfortable." At this, the younger vampire smiles, and they lapse into silence, just watching each other. Then Simon shakes his head and sighs.

          "I wish you hadn't found out this way," he mumbles, looking down. "I had planned on telling you at some point, I promise."

           "I know, Simon. I believe that you would have told me eventually. I'm sorry, too. If I had known, I wouldn't have come in. And I won't from now on, if you don't want me too."

          Simon hesitates, hearing the hidden question, before speaking again. "I don't think I would mind. I probably need someone, actually, I haven't fed much or taken care of myself the past few days."

           Raphael's face crumbles at the thought before he reigns in the emotion just a little. "Why not? I know that you- get cramps, but surely they aren't bad enough to keep you from feeding and showering?"

          Shaking his head, Simon laughs a little and hugs his knees to his chest. "Actually, they can be pretty bad sometimes. But the real issue I have is that I feel like I'm- like I'm in the wrong body. And I get reminded of that when I'm naked. Like, do you remember when you were first turned? I don't know, maybe you don't, I know it was awhile ago-"

           "I remember," Raphael interrupts softly.  

          Simon's eyes flicker towards him - they had been tracking his own hands, which were moving and creating something only he could see - and he nods as he continues.

          "Do you remember the feeling that... you hated the feel of your fangs scraping against your lower lip? Because it reminded you so strongly of what you are and how different you are? It's kind of like that, except it's not just my teeth that are reminding me, it's my whole body. The way my shoulders slope down, the way my face is too gentle- no, I know, you can't tell, Clary says that too, but I can- the way my hips slide into my waist, the way my legs are shaped, and especially the way my  _chest_ -" He's become nearly distraught again; his hands are hovering near his chest, palms turned inwards, and he's still watching them when Raphael reaches out and stops him, eyes tender and worried and all sorts of things that make Simon stop in his tracks. 

          "Stop for just a second and listen to me." When he's sure he has Simon's attention, he starts slowly, so each word comes across as genuine. "Your body does not have a say in whether or not you're a boy. Some people were lucky enough to be assigned their correct gender at birth, but that does not at all mean that you are weird or unnatural, no matter what anyone else says. You are male, every part of you, even if your body isn't... 'considered male.' Do you understand?" While he was talking, he had become determined to get his point across. He can't ever understand what exactly it's like for Simon, but he isn't going to sit back and let him tear himself apart - and that shows; his brown eyes are intense and biting, and his hand is still gripping Simon's. The young vampire is starting to tear up a little, and after a few beats he leans forward and wraps his arms around Raphael's neck, tucking his face into his neck at the same time.

          He mumbles, repeatedly, "Thank you, Rafe," and Raphael just sighs in relief and wraps an arm loosely around his back, hand soothing and stroking soft brown curls. 

          They stay like this for a couple of minutes, just wrapped in each other. The fledgling calms down slowly, eventually just sniffling. Only then does he realize he's forgetting something, and with more force then intended he pushes himself away from Raphael and his suit, which is now stained with Simon's bloody tears- literally. 

          "Oh, g- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin it...."

          Chances were that at any other time, Raphael would have mumbled something, annoyed, but this time he shrugs it off. "I can wash it, don't worry." He cracks a smile and uses his the pad of his thumb to wipe away the blood on Simon's face. "I'm going to get more blood. Why don't you change your shirt?" That, Simon agrees to. 

          When he returns to the room, he's greeted by Simon who has changed into a new shirt and a pair of jeans. He can imagine that this had taken energy, and it fills Raphael with relief. He can tell that his boyfriend is a bit more relaxed- probably because they got to talk. Raphael himself is more comfortable now, partly because Simon is happier and partly because there's a certain air to them now. Now, the younger vampire knows something important about Raphael, and Raphael the knows something important about him. It's freeing, to both of them. 

          He waves a stack of DVD cases in the air, grinning as Simon's eyes light up. "I found some old movies. Not sure where they came from, but I figured we could watch one or two, if you want." It was rare for Raphael to suggest movie night, but today hasn't really been normal. 

          "Oh my g- are those horror movies?" Simon approaches him and takes the movies, glancing through the stack at the titles. "I haven't seen some of these in ages! We're watching all of these!"

          Raphael only protests for a second as he realizes just what he's gotten himself into, but then he sees the way Simon is beaming happily, expectantly at him. "We'll see what we can watch until the sun comes up," he relents. "Alright,  _mi corazón_?

          "Sure, Rafe," Simon answers, laughing- because they both know that this movie session will last way past sunrise if the fledgling wants it to. 

* * *

 

 

          Some days, Simon is on top of the world. His boyfriend is fantastic, and his clan no longer looks like they want to kill him (at least, not all the time). Other days, he looks at himself and is furious at the world for giving him the body that it gave him. 

          Yesterday was not an on-top-of-the-world day. The day before that wasn't, either, nor was most of today.

          It hadn't been perfect, for sure. But now, cuddled up against his boyfriend, watching old movies- this was pretty close. 

**Author's Note:**

> Dios mío, tú necesitas calmarte - My god, you need to calm down.  
> Mi cariño - my dear.  
> Mi corazón - my heart.
> 
> As usual, please let me know if you see something I can improve upon, and keep in mind that I am human and make mistakes. If I said something offensive or transphobic, I apologize with all my heart. That was not my intention. Please tell me so I can fix it. 
> 
> This is the longest fic I've ever written and aaaa I spent so long on it! Positive feedback and kudos is a wonderful and amazing thing, and believe it or not it makes my day! Thanks in advance!


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